20 March 2006

The things we do...

I've been trying to catch up with all the blogs I read. Fuck, you people are too prolific! It's taking some time and there's heaps of good posts I'd have liked to comment on, but it's a bit late now...
However something I found on Leela's blog fits in with what I wanted to write today.

She asked, "What are you willing to sacrifice for eternal love?"

My first thought was, well I've just sacrificed my home, my family and friends, my hobbies, my work... but that's not really true. It was Partner's idea to move, sure, but he said he'd stay if I didn't want to go, and anyway I'd been planning to move before I met him (just not to here). So I can't say I sacrificed it for him really. More for myself, my own self-development and desire to experience new things.

But there is something I've sacrificed for eternal love. (Although eternal is not a word I'm comfortable with... Maybe true love is more accurate?)

When I'm with a man, I think about girls all the time. I perve on them. I fantasise about them. But if I was with a girl, I'd think about men all the time. We all want what we don't have at times, and this is no different.

So I've had to make a choice in my life. I've had to choose between monogamy and active bisexuality. Now, of course I can't choose to not be bisexual. Sometimes I've wished I could. It would certainly make things easier if I just liked men or women. But I can choose monogamy, which means not acting on my desire for the other side of the fence.

When I got with Partner we discussed all this. He said he didn't feel he could ask me not to sleep with women, since that's something he obviously can't satisfy for me. But nevertheless, we're both into monogamy. Hence the dilemma.

The good thing is, we're both able to perve on girls together. And we have discussed the idea of adding someone to the mix one day... but I know that it's so rare for feelings not to get hurt in that situation, and I don't want to risk the intimacy we have. I want to experience intimacy as deeply as possible, and I think for me that is best done in the context of monogamy.

It's all been academic until now anyway. I haven't been with a girl for a few years now- lack of opportunity. Girls are fading into the distance of memory,and I've been living the hetero life.

But a couple of weeks ago a girl asked me out. And then the other day another girl asked me out.

"WHY???" I wailed to Partner. "Why now, when I've finally found someone I want to be monogamous with?"

"It's that new hairdo of yours. It makes you look like a militant dyke." And he rubbed my furry, shaven head.

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