26 April 2006

Three's a crowd

Partner has said before that it sometimes feels like there are three people in this relationship - him, me and the person I talk to in my head.

We'll be talking about something, then at some point I'll go a bit blank and stare off into the distance - but he can see the wheels of conversation still going inside me.

The problem is, I've always been alone with my thoughts (as I guess we all are). Sure I've had boyfriends, and friends - some really good friends that I can talk to about...well, most things. But friends aren't always there. And I'm the person that people say 'thinks too much'. My whole life I've kind of been my own best friend, the one person I could always talk to.

I always dreamed that there was someone else out there who I'd meet that I could talk to about everything. And now I have. But old habits die hard, and there are times when, out of habit, I don't share my thoughts. This isn't a problem, except when we're talking.

Lately I've been very stressed, mainly because of the huge move. And my natural reaction when I'm stressed is to retreat into myself. This was okay when I lived alone, but now I'm living with him it is far more obvious when I'm not really there.

Being alone is my comfort zone, and I sometimes forget that I have another comfort zone now, with him. I'll spend so much time thinking, 'I just want to be alone, so I can find some peace!' and then at some point I'll curl up with him and bury my face in his chest and feel a great sense of peace descend, and remember, 'oh that's right, I have another comfort zone here.' There are times when something is bothering me, and I automatically keep it to myself - but when I do finally tell him, I'm reminded how easy it is to tell him things.

Like this very issue. For a few weeks it seemed that I was so distant from him. I was missing my hometown so much, and I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want him to feel bad for bringing me here. I just retreated, and then I felt bad that there seemed so much distance between us, and I didn't know how to close the gap... But when I finally opened up and started talking to him about that sense of distance, it turned out he'd noticed it and was feeling it too, and completely understood where I was coming from. The very act of talking about it has brought us back closer together.

Partner values my 'alone' time as much as I do. He believes as strongly as I do that it's not good to completely lose yourself in your relationship with another person. But when it got to the point where our intimacy was not really there because I'd mentally and emotionally gone away, then that became an issue for both of us.

It's so hard to balance. Sometimes I know he wants to be with me and talk to me when I really do just want to be alone. And that's okay with him. But when that aloneness is just a habitual reaction rather than a real need, it's a problem.

Things are better now. And he says he's glad I 'came back'. But I'm still learning how to balance my fierce independance with my desire to be intimate.

23 April 2006

National Pride?

I'm quite confused about the concept of being proud of one's country.

You hear it quite often: "I'm proud of being American" and lately, "I'm proud of being Australian".

What does this mean?

I'd have to say, I feel no pride about my nationality. I'm not a proud Australian. Sure, there are things in my life that I'm proud of. But they are things I've worked at, things I've got for myself. I didn't choose to be Australian, I was born here and have yet to raise enough cash to leave. Maybe if I'd fought a hard battle for citizanship I'd be proud of that... but I didn't. It was chance, and what's that to be proud of?

I would find it hard to be proud of my country, since I don't really see anything to be proud of. I see things to be grateful for, but not proud of. I'm grateful that the government here does not have the right to 'legally' kill me. I'm grateful that I have enough to eat, enough room to stretch out, a welfare system to fall back on if things fuck up (including subsidised medical care). But I'm not 'proud' of these things.

I don't feel there is a strong sense of nationalism here. Some people have it, some don't. I don't think there's any one thing that all Australians agree on - though some may disagree with me.

I cannot be proud of the actions of my government. They are supposed to represent us, but their actions don't represent me. I'm ashamed to think the rest of the world might judge me by the actions of the Australian government. Is a liking of your government neccesary to a feeling of national pride?

I don't feel proud of our so-called national values. There is an increasing tendancy here to call things 'unAustralian' - what that means is these things don't fit with the values of those who call them unAustralian. But often unAustralian things are the very things that this country does, while pretending they are against our values. So here's my list of things that are demonstratably Australian, in the present as much as the past, that are called UnAustralian. These are all things practiced by politicians, enshrined in law, and common amongst the people - but often publicly called unAustralian, or hidden behind rightious justifications.

Racism is Australian.
Sexism is Australian.
Homophobia is Australian.
In fact, discrimination of all kinds is Australian.
Jailing children is Australian.
Denying people legal representation is Australian.
Raping the environment is Australian.
Exploiting the third world is Australian.
Lying is Australian.
Banning books is Australian.
Breaking the law is Australian.
Abuse is Australian.
Denying people medical treatment is Australian.
Breaking promises is Australian.
Murder is Australian.
Hypocrasy is Australian.

Unfortunatly, the same thing seems true of the US. Denying freedom of speech, murdering people, incarcerating people without even charging them with a crime, exploiting the third world, raping the environment, discrimination, denying people the right to vote, lying, circumventing the democratic process - all these things are American. The values our countries profess to believe in are contradicted by their actions.

It seems instilling national pride starts in the US at a very young age. Our prime minister wants to instill national pride by banning the burning of the flag, and witholding funding from schools who do not raise the flag and get the students to salute it every day. This seems ridiculous to me - the flag is simply an object. Who is it hurting if I draw a picture of the flag and burn it? Does worshipping the symbol of our country make it a better, fairer country?

So, anyone who is proud of their country, can you answer me this?

Can you be proud of your country if you hate the actions of your government? Can you be proud of your country if the values it says it holds are contradicted by its actions? And if the government lies to you, and your country doesn't live up to its own self-declared values, what exactly are you proud of?

I'd really like to know.

17 April 2006


One year ago today, we kissed for the first time.

We'd got talking at a party. We talked and talked...and talked some more. Two days later we met up and talked some more. Four long days after that we met up again to talk some more...

I wanted him so bad. And I thought maybe he wanted me... but I wasn't sure. That night we wound up on his front porch, talking... at 3am I tentitavely suggested that if he was going to take me home he better do it now. He didn't move. Finally, two hours later, I couldn't bear it anymore. I grabbed his hand. He kissed me... and got a mouthful of long hair.

After I'd tucked my hair behind my ears, we kissed some more. At some point, surfacing for air, I suggested we take things inside.

Four hours after that I had to rush off to go to my friend's funeral. It felt kind of dirty to be that happy at a funeral.

Things moved fast after that. Within two weeks we'd declared our love for each other. Four weeks after that he asked me to move away with him. Of course I said yes.

Exactly two months ago today we signed the lease on our new house.

It was all very fast. But at the time I was sure he was the one... and I'm still sure now. Sometimes you just know these things.

Happy anniversary, loverboy.

You say papaya, I say pawpaw...

Another possum post!

These cheeky buggers fight the flying foxes for the pawpaw. They are so friendly. They let me come up close to them. This one came sauntering right up to my chair a couple of weeks ago and sat by my feet.

There's two, a male and a female, that have hung around out the back of our house every night. But unfortunately, this is the last pawpaw off the tree and I haven't seen them so close since it was eaten. Just heard them...

I really wanted to get a photo of one hanging off the tree, but was too slack. So here's the last memory I have of the great possum feast that's lasted the two months we've been here. We're so lucky to have pawpaw trees so close to the porch that we can just reach out and pick them... or could, if the damn creatures hadn't nibbled them all.

14 April 2006

Out the corner of my eye...

You know that little hand with the pointing finger that the arrow turns into when it's hovering over something you can click on?

I swear it keeps flipping the bird at me.

10 April 2006


Can anyone tell me how to attach this:

to this: The rainforest site

in my sidebar so that when you click on the image it takes you to the page?

I know, it's probably so simple... I just can't work out how to get an image onto the template if there's no code to go with it.


9 April 2006

10 things...

Darkneuro did it. AAG did it. Leela
did it. now I'll do it.

-List ten things you want to say to people you know but know you never will, for whatever reason.
- Don't say who they are, use a person only once.

- I'm scared of you.

- If you're going to lie down and write 'doormat' on your face, don't bitch to me if people walk all over you.

- You can't teach for shit.

- I was falling in love with you. And I got scared. That's why I stopped being your friend. Sorry. I know it was dumb.

- Did you fight for the Nazis because you had to, or because you believed they were right?

- That thing you did to me was wrong, and it took me bloody years to get over it.

- I hate your false persona. I want the real you back. I miss you.

- You're a fucking awful parent.

- I would have got with you, if you hadn't lied and tried to manipulate me into it.

- How on earth do you wipe your arse?

(That last one I feel I must explain - the person in question had thalidomide arms - you know, about a quarter of the normal length.)

3 April 2006

Side affects of stress

Moving is stressful. But there are some side affects that I hadn't considered.

About two weeks ago, we were lying on the bed when Partner decided to tickle me. I didn't flinch. Now, normally I'm very ticklish. Concerned, he moved his hands all over my body, tickling - nothing. He picked up my feet and tickled them, in vain. Finally he threw them down in disgust and said, "You're broken!"

Every couple of days he'd pick up my feet and ask, "Are you still broken?" Apparently I was. Until last night, when he ticked my foot and I shrieked and nearly kicked him in the face.

It's amazing what stress does to you.

2 April 2006


I used to be one of those girls who sent postcards to all my friends whenever I went on holiday. Mainly, I must admit, as a form of gloating. I'd just grab a bunch of different postcards and scrawl a few lines for each person. Not much thought went into the process.

Once, when I visited a mate after coming back from Perth, he waved the postcard at me.

"This is great! I love it! But how on earth did you manage to find me a postcard of a gay beat?"

"What?" I grabbed the postcard off him. In the distance was the Perth skyline. In the foreground was a big park. And in the middle distance, tucked away in some trees, was a building I now identified as a toilet block at the back of the park.

Pure coincidence I sent it to my gay mate.