17 May 2006

This morning

I hit the snooze button twice. Finally I dragged my arse out of bed and into the kitchen to make some coffee. I stumbled blearily into the computer room to check my emails. I opened the windows...

There was Squiggly. Stuck on the edge of the window frame, where she'd been squashed when Partner closed the window the night before.

I immediately erupted into great, choking, gasping sobs. I ran out to Partner, tears streaming down my cheeks and wailed, "It's Squiggly!"

He asked what happened, but I couldn't say. I could only take him to the room and point at her while trying my hardest not to look. That split-second glimpse of her had been enough. I couldn't bear to look again. Partner kindly took the body away while I sat in the other room bawling. I cried non-stop for about four hours, and spent the rest of the day holding back tears.

Squiggly was the closest thing I had to a pet since I was a little girl. She may not have been soft and cuddly like a cat or a dog. But anyone who's had non-cuddly pets will know that they can be just as cute, just as full of character and personality. You can develop a relationship with any animal if you see it as a distinct being in it's own right.

And maybe it's because when I moved here, I had no one but Partner. Squiggly's constant presence was a comfort to me. She was like a friend who made no demands at a time when I had nothing to give. I grew attached to her. I cared for her. And Partner cared too. He shooed away the bigger geckos when they challenged her territory. He spotted her outside and let her back in. He even, in the past, ushered her away from the window when he was closing it so she wouldn't get squashed. Last night he noticed her missing and went around the room, checking behind furniture and curtains.

We don't know what happened. Maybe she was trying to get back in and misjudged the timing. Maybe she was too secure, knowing we wouldn't hurt her, and therefore didn't run when Partner came near like the other geckos would. Maybe she thought she was hidden and didn't realise the danger. Maybe, in her pin-prick brain, she thought nothing at all. Maybe she was already dead.

At any rate, she was quite flat, and her guts had kind of smeared out. That image, that first, terrible sight was etched on the back of my eyeballs and has been haunting me all day.

For exactly three months we have had this place. For three months I had a gecko friend. Now I just have lots of nameless geckos that wander around. But no Squiggly.


Here is the scene of the crime after the body was taken away. Note the small bloody smear...

Goodbye Squiggly.


hasarder said...

And as a tribute, Squiggly is now my profile picture.

FTN said...

Awww... That's so tragic!

His memory will live on in your profile, every time you make a comment somewhere.

hasarder said...

Thanks, ftn.

You know, it's interesting that you wrote 'his memory'. Because Partner and I ALWAYS referred to Squiggly as 'him'. Always. The reason I made an effort to write 'her' in the posts was because we found out that geckos generally reproduce by cloning themselves, therefore there are rarely if ever any males. Nevertheless, Squiggly was a him to us. And now to you too! :)

Summer Rose said...

Awww, how awful. That's the only lizard I would have in my house, outide of the four legged one's that have fur. And no, we are not allowed to have ferrits they are outlawed in Cali.

Stinkypaw said...

Sorry to read about your loss... may he/she/it rest in peace.
There is something about geckos that makes me go "awww" and I guess you saw it in Squiggly as well. BTW, really like the "blackened" picture of Squiggly.

hasarder said...

Thanks Stinkypaw.

Partner did the blackened picture when he was fucking around with photoshop before my first Squiggly post. he thought it might be good to use then, but I'm glad I saved it. It's more fitting now.

DZER said...

sorry to hear of the tragedy with Squiggly. We have those exact same kind of house geckos here in Guam ... I have several in my house, including two that haunt near my computer, hoping for some sweet liquid (a cap from an iced tea or pepsi bottle).

rest in peace, squished squiggly

AlwaysArousedGirl said...

Oh no! That's dreadful.

Hugs to you.

Maegen said...

sorry- that's an especially terrible way to lose a pet.

regarding Summer Rose's comment, I'm not a big ferrit fan, but why on EARTH are they outlawed in Cali (I assume you're referring to California). That doesn't seem right.