29 July 2006

Today

So hot.

Even now, after midnight, I can feel the sweat gather under the surface of my skin, just waiting for me to move so it can spring forth.

I try to remind myself it's winter.

And when I look at the weather report for hometown (rain, max 15c), I snigger.

25 July 2006

Unconcious comeback

Partner: "I'm a bit concerned about you blogging so much."

Hasarder: "But I don't blog that much! Don't you like me writing?"

P: "No, I like you writing. I think it's great you have an outlet for your writing. I'm just a bit worried that you spend too much time reading blogs. Every morning when you get up you check the blogs, and again every evening."

H: "But if I wasn't reading blogs I'd just be reading books all the time. What's the difference?"

P: "I just worry that you'll spend so much time on your bloggy mates that you won't go out and make friends here, that you'll just become a computer geek with a virtual life and virtual friends."

H: "That's ridiculous! You're over-reacting!" etc etc. Cue small argument. Cue Hasarder storming out in a huff.

A bit later in the day, it was really warm. I went to change my shirt, grabbing the first one that came to hand. Then I crawled back in to Partner, looked at him with puppydog eyes. He wrapped his arms around me and then looked down at my shirt. He raised his eyebrows.

Only then did I realise which shirt I'd picked.

Across the tits was written www.don't give a fuck.com

15 July 2006

A room of one's own

When I write, I need privacy.

Complete privacy.

If Partner is walking in and out of the room, I can't write. I become inhibited. If I even think he might walk in and out of the room, I can't concentrate. Even if I plan to let him read the post later.

Is this normal?

If I'm planning something to write, and I get distracted and go into a different headspace, that's the end. I can't write what I'd planned so I don't write at all.

This post was going to be about something else.

The thing is, as much as I've tried to explain this to him, I don't think he understands. I say I'm going to write and he pulls out the guitar and sits down right next to me to play. If I say I'm going to write a particular post, but then get caught up talking, he can't understand why I don't just go and write the post after. But the moment is gone, and I have to somehow get back in the mood. Sometimes I never get back in the mood, and the post just goes the way of so many others - into the deep recesses of my mind.

I used to think that if I found a man I could talk with about anything, things would be perfect and we'd never fight.

Hah!

Partner and I can talk about anything. But I've come to realise that even when the communication is great, there will still be arguments and differences of opinion. It just means that afterwards, when we calm down, we can discuss what happened and talk about our feelings. It doesn't stop the arguments happening in the first place.

And it doesn't mean we'll always understand each other. Some things, no matter how much we talk about them, we still don't understand. In some ways we're different, and those differences occasionally leave us confused.

One of those differences is my need for absolute privacy when I write. And my need to write that post now, and not later.

14 July 2006

The verdict

I'm not pregnant!





...and there was much rejoicing in the Hasarder household.

5 July 2006

Maybe Baby

I have a problem.

Somehow, I fucked up the dates on my depo.

Now, most women can just say "shit, I'm late." But since I've been on the depo I don't get a period. All I know is I fucked up the renewal date by nearly two weeks. A week ago I came back from my sojourn in Hometown and since then we've been at it like rabbits.

So I went into the doctor to get the new depo injection and she told me I was overdue for the needle. She gave me a pregnancy test. It was negative, but she says that doesn't mean shit because it wouldn't show up that quickly. She wants me to go in for a blood test next week. If that's clear then she'll give me the depo - until then, it's gloved love for us.

All I can think is shit shit shit shit SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

Partner's a bit "No worries, she'll be right mate, you're not preggers yet, cross that bridge when we come to it etc". But I've been pregnant before. I know how easily it can happen. I know that you never believe it could happen until suddenly - it's happening.

This is bring up a whole heap of feelings for me that my partner has never had to deal with - not just because he's a man, but because he's never got someone up the duff. He can't understand why I'm asking him "What'll we do if it's positive?" But I think forewarned is forearmed. The time I got pregnant, I had no suspicion. I went to the doctor for something unrelated, mentioned as I was walking out the door that I was one day late, and she made me take the test, saying "don't worry, you won't be pregnant." But I was. An hour later I was sitting in Victoria Square drinking metho with the Abos - I can tell you now, I wouldn't ever have drunk the metho if I wasn't in such a state of shock.

I don't want to spend the next week and a half convincing myself that I'm not pregnant and then find out that I am. I'd rather start thinking about what the fuck we're going to do if I am - after all, if I'm not, it won't matter, but If I am, it will. I'm not rushing out to buy baby clothes. I haven't given up smoking. I'm not acting like I'm sure I'm pregnant. But I have to think of it as a possibility, and I have to start preparing myself mentally for what will happen if I am.

Fuck, I've cried more tears in the past two days than I have for the past few months. I'm absolutely scared shitless. And no one can do anything to help. All I can do is wait and see - and the waiting time is so fucking hard.

So what will I do if I am? I don't know. I don't want an abortion. I don't want a baby right now. I think, given the choice, I'd keep it. I'm in a secure relationship, etc etc. The timing would suck badly, we're not prepared for anything like this. But ultimately, I'd keep it. Right now all I can think of is the baby I didn't have last time. I don't ever want to go through that again.

I really don't want to deal with this now. I really hope everything is ok and I'm not preggers. But there's fuck all I can do about it. Just wait. And wait.

And kick myself repeatedly for being such a fucking idiot.