5 July 2006

Maybe Baby

I have a problem.

Somehow, I fucked up the dates on my depo.

Now, most women can just say "shit, I'm late." But since I've been on the depo I don't get a period. All I know is I fucked up the renewal date by nearly two weeks. A week ago I came back from my sojourn in Hometown and since then we've been at it like rabbits.

So I went into the doctor to get the new depo injection and she told me I was overdue for the needle. She gave me a pregnancy test. It was negative, but she says that doesn't mean shit because it wouldn't show up that quickly. She wants me to go in for a blood test next week. If that's clear then she'll give me the depo - until then, it's gloved love for us.

All I can think is shit shit shit shit SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

Partner's a bit "No worries, she'll be right mate, you're not preggers yet, cross that bridge when we come to it etc". But I've been pregnant before. I know how easily it can happen. I know that you never believe it could happen until suddenly - it's happening.

This is bring up a whole heap of feelings for me that my partner has never had to deal with - not just because he's a man, but because he's never got someone up the duff. He can't understand why I'm asking him "What'll we do if it's positive?" But I think forewarned is forearmed. The time I got pregnant, I had no suspicion. I went to the doctor for something unrelated, mentioned as I was walking out the door that I was one day late, and she made me take the test, saying "don't worry, you won't be pregnant." But I was. An hour later I was sitting in Victoria Square drinking metho with the Abos - I can tell you now, I wouldn't ever have drunk the metho if I wasn't in such a state of shock.

I don't want to spend the next week and a half convincing myself that I'm not pregnant and then find out that I am. I'd rather start thinking about what the fuck we're going to do if I am - after all, if I'm not, it won't matter, but If I am, it will. I'm not rushing out to buy baby clothes. I haven't given up smoking. I'm not acting like I'm sure I'm pregnant. But I have to think of it as a possibility, and I have to start preparing myself mentally for what will happen if I am.

Fuck, I've cried more tears in the past two days than I have for the past few months. I'm absolutely scared shitless. And no one can do anything to help. All I can do is wait and see - and the waiting time is so fucking hard.

So what will I do if I am? I don't know. I don't want an abortion. I don't want a baby right now. I think, given the choice, I'd keep it. I'm in a secure relationship, etc etc. The timing would suck badly, we're not prepared for anything like this. But ultimately, I'd keep it. Right now all I can think of is the baby I didn't have last time. I don't ever want to go through that again.

I really don't want to deal with this now. I really hope everything is ok and I'm not preggers. But there's fuck all I can do about it. Just wait. And wait.

And kick myself repeatedly for being such a fucking idiot.


FTN said...

Wow, I'm not sure what to say. Good luck. Don't freak out too much over the next two weeks. Either way, you'll be okay. I know you are really hoping that you AREN'T pregnant, but babies aren't so bad as you might think! Just in case you are... I'm sure you'd be a great Mom.

Partner seems to be pretty relaxed about the whole thing!

hasarder said...

Thanks, FTN.
I'm not sure if partner is relaxed - just much better than me at not thinking about stuff he can't do anything about. We have talked about it quite seriously today and that helped.

Stinkypaw said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. You'll deal with it, like you've done before, no need to worry and anticipate the worst just yet. Like you wrote you can't do shit about it but wait. I know, easier said than done... Best of luck and don't stress yourself (or your partner) out.

Maegen said...

I reckon it's good that you're thinking about it, but partner is right that there's not a whole lot to do now. And even if he's not exactly stressed, it's for sure a good sign that he's not totally spazzed about it either.

Sometimes fate works funny tricks on you. And by "funny" I mean vicious, cruel, hateful, painful, but ultimately learning experiences. I'm sure you'll learn something from the whole thing. Maybe to be more careful, to chill about things you can't change, or to be a fabulous mom! No matter what- the lesson is in the learning. "try to love the questions themselves" -R.M. Rilke

I too will be cheering on France from my couch in Bulgaristan! целувки

Summer Rose said...

You need this more than I do, a great big {{Hug}}. To me it sounds like partner is taking all this in stride, we all make mistakes things happen and for what reason no one knows why.

hasarder said...

Partner is being amazingly cool about it all. Of course he's hoping I'm not pregnant. But he says there's no point getting angry, I'm beating myself up about it enough as it is. And he says a tiny part of him is thinking it would be nice, though that could just be the genes talking.
The good thing is we have talked about 'future' babies. So it would be mainly an issue of the timing being off by about five years. But there are other big issues too... my health isn't good and the medication I have to take is highly toxic to babies.
Anyway, I feel a bit more serene about it. I simply can't stress ALL day every day to that degree. The stress comes and goes.

DZER said...

hope that everything works out for you darlin' *hugs*