I have a problem.
Somehow, I fucked up the dates on my depo.
Now, most women can just say "shit, I'm late." But since I've been on the depo I don't get a period. All I know is I fucked up the renewal date by nearly two weeks. A week ago I came back from my sojourn in Hometown and since then we've been at it like rabbits.
So I went into the doctor to get the new depo injection and she told me I was overdue for the needle. She gave me a pregnancy test. It was negative, but she says that doesn't mean shit because it wouldn't show up that quickly. She wants me to go in for a blood test next week. If that's clear then she'll give me the depo - until then, it's gloved love for us.
All I can think is shit shit shit shit SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
Partner's a bit "No worries, she'll be right mate, you're not preggers yet, cross that bridge when we come to it etc". But I've been pregnant before. I know how easily it can happen. I know that you never believe it could happen until suddenly - it's happening.
This is bring up a whole heap of feelings for me that my partner has never had to deal with - not just because he's a man, but because he's never got someone up the duff. He can't understand why I'm asking him "What'll we do if it's positive?" But I think forewarned is forearmed. The time I got pregnant, I had no suspicion. I went to the doctor for something unrelated, mentioned as I was walking out the door that I was one day late, and she made me take the test, saying "don't worry, you won't be pregnant." But I was. An hour later I was sitting in Victoria Square drinking metho with the Abos - I can tell you now, I wouldn't ever have drunk the metho if I wasn't in such a state of shock.
I don't want to spend the next week and a half convincing myself that I'm not pregnant and then find out that I am. I'd rather start thinking about what the fuck we're going to do if I am - after all, if I'm not, it won't matter, but If I am, it will. I'm not rushing out to buy baby clothes. I haven't given up smoking. I'm not acting like I'm sure I'm pregnant. But I have to think of it as a possibility, and I have to start preparing myself mentally for what will happen if I am.
Fuck, I've cried more tears in the past two days than I have for the past few months. I'm absolutely scared shitless. And no one can do anything to help. All I can do is wait and see - and the waiting time is so fucking hard.
So what will I do if I am? I don't know. I don't want an abortion. I don't want a baby right now. I think, given the choice, I'd keep it. I'm in a secure relationship, etc etc. The timing would suck badly, we're not prepared for anything like this. But ultimately, I'd keep it. Right now all I can think of is the baby I didn't have last time. I don't ever want to go through that again.
I really don't want to deal with this now. I really hope everything is ok and I'm not preggers. But there's fuck all I can do about it. Just wait. And wait.
And kick myself repeatedly for being such a fucking idiot.