14 August 2006

Moody

I miss my old life.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the hills where I grew up. I miss going to the markets and being overwhelmed by the choice.

I miss my friends so much it hurts.

But I don't want to go back.

When I went back to Hometown a couple of months ago it was like stepping into my past. It was like seeing what my life would be like if I never had moved away. And I thought, "I don't belong here any more." It wasn't Hometown anymore. It was Oldtown. Home is up here, where Partner is, where we are trying to make a new life for ourselves. Home is the beautiful house we have here with the beautiful view. I just wish all my friends could come up here to visit. Or live here.

It's so hard starting from scratch in a new town. It takes a long time. And as much as I ache for my old life, more than anything I wanted to build a new one. Just to see if I could. I wanted to leave Oldtown. I don't want to go back. I just want...to feel settled, to feel grounded. To feel like I belong, like I'm part of it. To not feel like I'm floating over the top.

It takes time.

7 comments:

Ramblings of The Fiesties said...

I know how that feels. But i also know there is this immense sense of satisfaction when u get that same feeling (even better now in many ways) in this new town and u tell yrself ahhi have finally reached home..been there and tryin to do that..

Summer Rose said...

aaawwww{{Hugs}}, It's very hard. I know I've thought of home for over a year the memories still burn inside to go back and hug the person that is not here. She is gone, yet this town is not the same. neither are the schools, for our boys. Many of my friends don't live in the town that I grew up in. Most have moved a way there is only one that this still there we've called each other a few times. Reminds me I need to call him soon though.
Take Care
S.R.

Desmond Jones said...

Nice post, has.

I too miss my hometown - there were aspects of growing up there that I wish I could have for my kids - but, like you, I've built a life for myself in a different place, with different people. It's a good life, one I absolutely don't want to give up. But sometimes, I just miss the old hometown.

Stinkypaw said...

In a way we are vey much like ever green trees, we may be moved but it takes a while (a good 2 years) for our roots to really re-establish and start to grow... It does take time, so give yourself some time!

DZER said...

there's a good chance I may soon have to experience this ... I'll know in a few weeks, I hope.

but as a military brat, I had to move every 2 or 3 years, so I guess that's made it easier for me to adapt.

hasarder said...

Feisty: Yeah I'm just waiting for that satisfaction...

SR: Thanks. A few of my friends have left Hometown but a lot have stayed. I wanted to be one of those who left! But they never mentioned the sense of loss...

Des: Thanks! Good to see you back and blogging.

Stinkypaw: That's a fantastic analogy. Love it.

DZER: My Partner was a military brat, so he's completely unfazed by the move. I was one too, but my dad got a permanent post by the time I was born.

Maegen said...

do you remember the first moment it became Home? That moment, on your way back from someplace, maybe a nice place, but not your place, and you thought to yourself, "I'll just be glad to be HOME!"

Or the first time you sat around with Newfriends and thought, "This is where I belong!"

Or the time you look at that beautiful view and thought, "There is no place more beautiful on earth."

And then you felt you've somehow betrayed your roots?

Anyway, life is a serious of changes. Stagnancy is a myth- we're really only moving forward or backward... Congratulations on moving forward!

**Advice, have people visit! Unfortunately (maybe) I have to move back "home" in a year. I've changed and so has the home, family, and life that I knew there. I'll go back a different person because of this life I've been living. Having my mom come out for three weeks and see the tiniest shred of this world I'm in may help at least one person to understand my maladjustment. Why "life" is no longer easy for me. Why I'm a different person.