16 August 2006

Nothing is too mundane*

The craving returns, nearly every day.

I picked through some lionstail with tweezers today to find the tiny bits of marijuana mixed within. Tiny bits, because I've already gone through that box so many times.

Now, having been without for two and a half months, those two puffs have made me stoned.

It's so precious, this feeling which will soon depart, that I fear I am wasting it by sitting at the computer. but I wanted to write some things down.

I was glad to move up here, so I could get away from my pot-riddled Oldtown. I had been smoking daily for half my life. And I couldn't seem to get off it, or moderate my use. So I decided to get away from it altogether.

It's a good thing. I keep telling myself that. I had a love-hate relationship with grass for so long. I love the way it makes me feel, I love the way it makes me think. I hate the way it sucks my energy and motivation.

I never liked alcohol much. Or any other drugs. Grass is the thing my brain is wired in to. Problem is, I reinforced that and hard-wired my brain for it. Now, my thoughts are different, my feelings are different. I crave it so much - mainly, lately, in the mornings if I have a space of time before I go out. And at night time - I've always had problems sleeping, and pot was great for that.

Now I need to learn how to live - how to think, feel, deal with things around me - without it. There are so many aspects of my life that were so tied to pot. And I've found: I don't like sitting and thinking so much anymore. My thoughts aren't as interesting. I don't like spending hours reading, or writing, or engaging in the life inside my head. And I'm bored with all my hobbies - without the extra zing that pot gave them, they're flat and lifeless. I need to learn how to enjoy things without pot. I need to learn how to manage my irritability without pot. I need to rediscover myself, to find who I really am without it. I need to rebuild myself.

I was so ashamed of my pot addiction. It's supposed to be the soft drug, the non-addictive drug. Bullshit. So many people could take it or leave it, I didn't want to admit how desperately I needed it. A couple of friends understood, and supported me as I supported them in trying to reduce useage or quit completely. But it never worked for me - I just kept going back for more.

Most of the time I do feel better now. I have more energy (I'm restless all the time). I can think clearly when I need to (though my thoughts often scatter when I want to concentrate). I interact with partner more (and fight with him more, too because I'm so irritable). I eat less chocolate (because I enjoy it less). Giving up is a double edged sword, just as smoking was.

I don't crave it every moment of every day, but I still crave it at some point, nearly every day.

I smoked for so many years, I'm sure it will take me a fair bit of time to adjust. It's an adjustment I wanted to make, and I'm really happy I'm getting off it, although it's so hard.

Life seems so dull now. I hope to find that spark of interest again, this time without the pot.

I wasn't going to post this. I just wanted a private space to write, and typing's quicker, so I thought the blogger account is a good place to bury the ramblings. But I think I will post it. Why not? I'm sure there's other smokers out there, or people struggling with other addictions. The blogsphere seems a place of confessions, and as confessions go, this isn't a big one. Maybe it'll start a dialogue about pot, its joys and its dangers. Or about addiction in general.

*Most of my post titles are quite obvious rip-offs of something. This one's the title of a song by Baterz about pot smokers.


Summer Rose said...

Your post made me want to cry. Now I understand why you left your home town....You are a strong beautiful person, life will bring you happiness the way it was meant to be. Don't be afraid to email me, you will find it in my profile.
Take Care of yourself.

Stinkypaw said...

Your turn to have a beautiful post about a difficult subject, that too often people won't talk about. I feel your pain, friend, not that I ever really smoked (once, with my folks, to try it) but I lived with a guy who needed his daily smoke "to relax"(so I guess that made me "second hand" smoker?!). One of my good friend also needed it daily, but neither of them would ever admit to be addicted to it. It used to piss me off so bad, that denial, to think that it wasn't a problem that they could stop whenever they wanted. But never did.

Like any addiction, the road to "recovery" is a long one, but the simple fact that you want to make it is such a good thing for you to do. Take it as it comes, and your way of thinking, your energy and your thoughts every will clear up, everything has been "smoked up" for a while, so let the "smoke" desipate, and things will get even better, I'm sure. My thoughts scatters everywhere, so... especially when I try to meditate! Normal process I'd say!

You will find that spark again, I'm sure of it, and without pot, it's in you. Don't give up and don't think about it all as being dull, but more as a blank canevas where you can add all the colours YOU want with a clear spirit!

Great post!

hasarder said...

SR; Awww, don't cry! I do enough of that myself... But slowly it gets easier, and I feel a lot better about myself now, and proud of myself for making the break (despite my little lapse this morning).

Stinkypaw: Yes, I know a few people who are addicts but would never admit it. They CAN'T be addicts, because pot isn't addictive, right?

I like to think of my life as a blank canvas. It's just that at the moment I'm looking at it wondering what on earth to paint... I'm sure the enthusiasm will return. I keep telling myself that.

And really, most of the time I feel good. Cravings never last long. They just feel like they do.

Now I just have to quit the damn cigarettes...patience, grasshopper. One step at a time.

FTN said...

Wow, that is interesting. I never knew pot could be that addictive. Do you think it is a mental addiction, or a real physical need?

Never smoked pot in my life, but I admit I've had my moments of curiosity about it.

Maegen said...

Wasn't it GI Joe who said, "Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!"

Did you guys get GI Joe? I believe he was distinctly American. For a cartoon guy, he had a pretty darn good point. Getting to the place where you can admit that thing that holds you down is a HUGE step.

I've never been addicted to a substance, thank God. But like you are irritated by people who won't admit they've got an addiction to pot, I become irritated by the people who can't admit their non-substance addictions. To attention, to food (i guess that's a substance, but you know), to the opposite sex, to approval, to conflict, to money, etc.

Is it possible that most of us seek to fill some void and we do so with addictions? What are mine? food maybe, distraction (like tv, music, movies, internet)...

hasarder said...

FTN: I think all addictions have a psychological element. But pot can definitely be a physical addiction, because there are very strong physical effects when withdrawing from it. It's just that not everyone who smokes it gets addicted, just like not everyone who drinks beer gets addicted to alcohol, and not everyone who drinks coffee gets addicted to caffene. Pot isn't as physically addictive as cigarettes or heroin. But any substance that can change the chemical makeup of your brain can be physically addictive.

Maegen: Yes, GI Joe found his way down here. I had heard that quote, but didn't realise it was him.

Here's an example of a non substance addiction. Reading. It's my longest standing addiction. If I don't get time to read every day, I get jittery and irritable. I read to escape my problems. I read to fill in time. I read to 'fill the void' as you say. Sure, it's a socially acceptable addiction. But I have still been know to avoid the real world, to miss things I should be doing, just so I can read more. If that's not addiction, what is?

People say they don't get time to read. That's crap. A true addict will make the time. I read in the loo. I read walking down the street (I used to read riding my bike until I slammed into a tree). I catch the bus instead of drive so I can read more. I read during every commercial break if I watch commercial TV. I read when I eat. I read when I should sleep. There's always time to read.