The craving returns, nearly every day.
I picked through some lionstail with tweezers today to find the tiny bits of marijuana mixed within. Tiny bits, because I've already gone through that box so many times.
Now, having been without for two and a half months, those two puffs have made me stoned.
It's so precious, this feeling which will soon depart, that I fear I am wasting it by sitting at the computer. but I wanted to write some things down.
I was glad to move up here, so I could get away from my pot-riddled Oldtown. I had been smoking daily for half my life. And I couldn't seem to get off it, or moderate my use. So I decided to get away from it altogether.
It's a good thing. I keep telling myself that. I had a love-hate relationship with grass for so long. I love the way it makes me feel, I love the way it makes me think. I hate the way it sucks my energy and motivation.
I never liked alcohol much. Or any other drugs. Grass is the thing my brain is wired in to. Problem is, I reinforced that and hard-wired my brain for it. Now, my thoughts are different, my feelings are different. I crave it so much - mainly, lately, in the mornings if I have a space of time before I go out. And at night time - I've always had problems sleeping, and pot was great for that.
Now I need to learn how to live - how to think, feel, deal with things around me - without it. There are so many aspects of my life that were so tied to pot. And I've found: I don't like sitting and thinking so much anymore. My thoughts aren't as interesting. I don't like spending hours reading, or writing, or engaging in the life inside my head. And I'm bored with all my hobbies - without the extra zing that pot gave them, they're flat and lifeless. I need to learn how to enjoy things without pot. I need to learn how to manage my irritability without pot. I need to rediscover myself, to find who I really am without it. I need to rebuild myself.
I was so ashamed of my pot addiction. It's supposed to be the soft drug, the non-addictive drug. Bullshit. So many people could take it or leave it, I didn't want to admit how desperately I needed it. A couple of friends understood, and supported me as I supported them in trying to reduce useage or quit completely. But it never worked for me - I just kept going back for more.
Most of the time I do feel better now. I have more energy (I'm restless all the time). I can think clearly when I need to (though my thoughts often scatter when I want to concentrate). I interact with partner more (and fight with him more, too because I'm so irritable). I eat less chocolate (because I enjoy it less). Giving up is a double edged sword, just as smoking was.
I don't crave it every moment of every day, but I still crave it at some point, nearly every day.
I smoked for so many years, I'm sure it will take me a fair bit of time to adjust. It's an adjustment I wanted to make, and I'm really happy I'm getting off it, although it's so hard.
Life seems so dull now. I hope to find that spark of interest again, this time without the pot.
I wasn't going to post this. I just wanted a private space to write, and typing's quicker, so I thought the blogger account is a good place to bury the ramblings. But I think I will post it. Why not? I'm sure there's other smokers out there, or people struggling with other addictions. The blogsphere seems a place of confessions, and as confessions go, this isn't a big one. Maybe it'll start a dialogue about pot, its joys and its dangers. Or about addiction in general.
*Most of my post titles are quite obvious rip-offs of something. This one's the title of a song by Baterz about pot smokers.