23 February 2007

Perfect - more or less.

The other day, when talking to a friend, I mentioned a couple of arguments Partner and I had recently.

She looked really concerned. "Is this a recent thing?" she asked.

"Hell no! We fight all the time."

"Really? But you seem so perfect for each other!"

"We are perfect for each other. That doesn't mean we don't fight."

I always wanted to find the person who was so perfect for me that we wouldn't fight. I thought if I found the right person, found a relationship with mutual understanding and open, honest communication, that I'd never fight with my partner again.
Ok, you can stop laughing now.
When Partner and I had our first arguments, I nearly hyperventilated with fear and anxiety. We'd been with each other for a few months by then, and were already planning a life together. I became so worried that the arguments were a sign that our relationship wasn't what I thought it was, that it would degenerate into the same old crap I'd gone through with other boyfriends.

But it didn't. And I've come to realise that finding the right person doesn't mean you stop fighting about the silly, petty little things of everyday life. We grumble. We scream. But then, and this is the important bit, we talk. We talk properly, like mature people. And we sort things out. Everything gets resolved. This doesn't always happen straight away - occasionally we do the rounds two, maybe three times before we really nut the issue out. But everything, eventually, is resolved, and there are no lingering resentments.

I always thought fighting was a sign that things weren't right. And it's true that at times, neither of us fight fair. We both have issues, we both get defensive, we both say hurtful things. We're both trying to minimise that. But we agree on all the really big, fundamental things, and we generally have very good communication. So when a small issue flares up into something, we can always talk it through to the point where we understand each other and find a solution.

This is what I really wanted.


Dirty Filthy Princess said...

I agree. The relationships that include NO fighting are the ones that are doomed. No couple can be in perfect bliss at all times. My friend's marriage almost crumbled cause she tried for so hard and so long to maintain that picture perfect family thing.

It's working through issues, like you said, sometimes over and over, that makes a relationship great. On the other hand, how do you know when it has gone too far into the other place, where you are just in a bad hurtful cycle and need outside help? That what I always worry about. (I'm a worrier too, btw. LOL.)

Dirty Filthy Princess said...

Seriously, I am really liking the purple.

EvilDodger said...

Evil recommends poking partner in the eye next time!!! Believe me, after awhile of that, he won't be so quick to fight anymore!!! Course Evil has been married seven times!! Grrrr.

Summer Rose said...

Oh evil your so wrong, just keep talking and learning from one another. As long you both love each other, then that's all that really matters. I'm sure neither one of you are throwing punches at each other then there's nothing to worry about.

hasarder said...

DFP - How do you know when you've gone too far?
Yeah, I wonder that too. I think the key is resolution. If you are burning with resentment after every argument, and it doesn't go away but keeps building up, then there's a problem. If every argument is a fresh new one and is resolved fairly and quickly, you're probably on the right track.

Evil - I'll have to admit I'm the one starting most of the arguments, since I'm quite a grumpy girl at times. But maybe a poke in the eye would make him see that I'm always right and he'll never disagree with me again! Muahahaha!

Summer - Nope, no punches ever. Partner would never ever ever do that, and so far I've managed to restrain the urge. ;)

Stinkypaw said...

If it's what you really wanted then all is good! The fact that you guys can talk about your issues is great and should be like that in a couple.

I might be an odd one (no need to confirm that! ;-) but since I've been with Hubby we haven't really argued. I tend to be the one who gets "heated up", we grumble but never scream... and man do we talk! I guess that is was I really wanted as well! ;-)

Dirty Filthy Princess said...

I'm the one that gets crabby in our relationship too. I hate always being the one that is grumpy and him always been so darn level headed all the time. Grrrr. ;-)